The Safeway Coffee Grinder Lesson

May 23rd, 1999

.. with five minutes to spare i materialize into the local star market, the one rantijen calls the "safeway." It's a very relaxing environment, within the safeway, though I suspect I hear the department chairman's voice at regular intervals through the overhead paging system.

I meander along the aisle facing the produce arena. Unlike the other aisles it's much shorter. I sense this area of space has been artifically compacted, perhaps due to the excess of coffee beans at the far end. An immense coffee grinder sits at the corner amidst burlap stacks of Columbia's finest. Caffeine has the strangest effects...

A faint electric glow dances across the sacks. I move closer and notice a small computer screen flashing long white ascii characters across a black background. And there's Jim! sitting before the screen, on a small stool only 6 inches above the ground. He has remarkably long, erector-set, extensible arms tucked conveniently under his shoulders.

"Jim!" I exclaim from halfway down the aisle. He yells something in return, which I don't understand, then extends an incredibly long arm to bring me to the corner by the machinating coffee grinder. We stare intenly at the monitor which connects most fluidly into the coffee grinder.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice a rapidly moving figure wearing a white lab coat. Obviously Jan Hecate, former chief, admirer of Wallace and Gromit.

This cannot bode well, with Jan Hecate running about so feverishly. I like this supermarket.. it's a very comfortable, relaxing supermarket, and I don't want to leave it. I sense an odd electric tingling, somewhere inside my spleen, not unlike the premonition I feel before the blood bank pager goes off when in "vibrate" mode... Fortunately the sensation subsides.. I return my attention to the monitor by the pile of coffee beans being consumed by the grinder.. (just where do those grinds go after they're ground?)

Rantijen's now standing over my shoulder, trying to see the TV Screen..

Rantijen: "Oh look what you've done now, you've JONESED IT."

Me: "No I didn't,"

Rantijen: "Yes you did."

Me: "Why do you always have to stand over my shoulder when I'm dreaming? Go over there and mingle with the produce people."

Rantijen: "..don't like the produce people.."

Why can't I have some less anti-social friends? Is it so difficult?? Maybe the coffee grinder can help..

i t ' s   s o   m e s m e r i z i n g . . .
Jim shakes one of my labcoat pockets to attract my attention, and points to the screen, "Look LYNN it's MILT & MORT."

And indeed it is, and why, they've made ANOTHER MSTP VIDEO. I'm horrified, but the screen clearly says:

*                                   *
*       THE LAST LOST POESEY        *
*           by THE MATTS            *
*                                   *
*    featuring  dubious special     *
*    effects that didn't really     *
*               work                *
*                                   *
*           NEXT SHOWING            *
*          MARCH  11, 3PM           *
*                                   *
A ghostly Bartles & James cut-out of MILT & MORT now hovers above the ground by the coffee grinder.

Milt says, "LYNNNN [wemadeanewvideo] :)"

M0RT just asks, "How's Boston?" I start to reply, but I notice Jan Hecate again, passing by the periphery, and lose my train of thought.

I turn to say something else, but this time I clearly hear the chairman's voice on the overhead paging system calling out to Hecate, telling him not to forget the pitted olives, and diapers for the kids.